Privatization in mind – by Kevin Thomson

There wiz a mannie on the TV last nicht spikin’ aboot the mental health problem. Aye, there’s a lot ‘o that aboot nooadays. “The best way forward with the whole field of mental health is, undoubtedly, privatization of the sector” said he. Noo he seemed a cliver kind ‘o lad, hid a degree fae the London School o’ Economics, wore a suit, fite sark an athing, bit ma mither said she thocht he wiz a richt feel. Well, ye micht think that privatizin’ mental health sounds mental bit I decided tae consider the hale thing tae see if there wiz maybe some methadone in his madness.

First ‘o a’ there’s that Bipolar disorder, an afa’ thing richt enough.  Noo if ‘at wiz privatized they could dee a share issue and sell aff the shares. The share price wid ging up one day an’ doon the next an’ that’s jist like the disorder itsel. Some chiel in a suit could mak a fortune thinkin’ up a marketin’ slogan for sellin’ the shares – something like “Buy polar disorder”. Aye, privatization wid maybe bring a bit o’ order tae this disorder an’ abody wid be able tae mak a few bob wi a few shares in Bipolar. ‘At wid mak folk happy, better than a dose o’ Prozac.

There’s the problem o’ schizophrenia as weel. Noo that could be deein’ wi a bit o’ re-brandin’. I suppose that twa’ different companies could tak’ over the runnin’ o’ schizophrenia an’ they could compete against each ither. Twa companies wi different personalities wid mean mair choice fer customers efter a.

The lad in the suit said, “We need more competition and much more flexibility in the mental health sector”. Well, I’m nae sure whit he meant by that bit ah mind fan British Rail wiz privatized. Efter privatization there were mair breakdoons an’ I suspect the same thing wid happen wi mental health as weel. My mither says that if folk were jist a bit nicer tae each ither there wid be less o’ a problem wi mental health coz folk widnae be as lonely as they are noo. Well, she hiznae got a degree fae the London School o’ Economics so naebody listens tae her – nae even ma faither – bit I think she’s got a point. I maesel’ sometimes think that folk wi mental health problems are jist a bit mair sensitive than the rest o’ us an’ they see things mair clearly. Fan ye see the world mair clearly it’s very upsettin’. Takin’ drugs tae mak yer heid better disnae mak ye see mair clearly, jist maks ye mair confused. I dinna agree wi that song that goes “I can see clearly now the brain has gone.”

Well, privatization maks me nervous an ma stress level rises jist thinkin’ aboot it. I dinna’ believe it’s aboot providin’ a better service an geein’ the customer mair choice. I think it’s jist a clivir scheme fer a few folk in suits tae mak a fortune. Or am I bein’ a bit paranoid? Maybe I need a wee bit o’ therapy fae my accountant.